Monday, July 27, 2009

Knock knock!!! Who's there? Its recession. Come right in and make yourself comfortable.

Yeah... that's right. Recession is the buzzword, the in-thing, the flavor of the season. Everybody's talking about it like they own it. Never mind, they have the vaguest idea about the whole damn thing. The CNBC's and the NDTV Profits are inundated with every well-combed entrepreneur worth his salt, counting the eggs that did not hatch, thanks to the Recession. These recession-hit-Armani-clad-honchos are strewing sentences around well-rehearsed phrases like global crisis, economic downturn, sluggish recovery, quarterly projections, emerging economies et al making them sound like a true market analyst.

After hearing them rattle for a couple minutes until the Anchor shuts them up, you do tend to feel sorry for them. The recession can wreck havoc in your life. If not for the fashionable recession, that CEO would have gone in for that few million dollar yatch or - if you are Vikram Pundit - that $50m Corporate Jet, or even buy one of those man-made islands in Dubai. Life can be so unfair on some people at times.
May God give them the courage to embezzle a few more million dollars... and NOT GET CAUGHT!!!

As for lesser mortals like yours truly, I absofrikkinlutely LOVE this recession. To start with, the word in itself has got a nice ring to it. Something that adds the jing to the bang. But most importantly, I love recession because it makes others as poor as me. I'm no longer alone in the dungeons of the financial strata. Suddenly, its fashionable to be a cheapskate.

Common dude, please pay for the drinks tonight. I havent got a fuckin-increment this fuckin-year and im fuckin-broke!!!

Putting the blame on Recession has become the latest fad. Come to think of it, for any worldly problem you can take refuge in recession. Anything and everything under the sun, can be attributed to recession.

Hey baby, you are home early! Did you get the groceries I asked you to get?
Oh sorry baby. I forgot. This bloody recession is bothering me so much, I just cant think of anything else.

Congratulations!. You have done a great job this financial year. Your deliverables have been far more than expected.
So can I expect a raise? No. Its recession time. But seeing your competence we can give you additional responsibilities.

Papa, I don't like this print. Why cant we see Ice-Age3 in the multiplex?
Coz recession is going on beta.
Which screen?
All screens...

In fact, the answer to any why question can be recession.

Why are you working so late son?
Coz its recession.
Why don't you spend some time at home?
Coz its recession.
Why are you so lazy these days?
Coz its recession.
Why don't you eat some healthy food?
Coz its recession.
Saabji, why is there so many clothes to wash today?
Coz its recession.
Why didn't the watchman open the lift door for me today?
Coz its recession.

Another reason why you gotta love the recession is for that second-famous-four-letter-word: SALE.
And just as how SALE is not a stand-alone word (as its followed with 2 more SALES - SALE SALE SALE), SALEs are not restricted to one particular retailer. Its like a deadly infectious virus that spreads to all near and not-so-dear. Within no time of one retailer putting up the SALE the rest follow like a herd of sheep.
As a general principle Ive decided to shop only when there's a SALE around.

In fact, retailers are not the only ones to join the SALE bandwagon. Everybody from massage-parlours to landlords to real estate developers to the-shop-round-the-corner are all leaving no stone unturned to keep their customer base intact.
Recession also means longer Happy Hours at your favorite hang-out bar. Talking about bars and recession, it was noted that during the Great Depression of 1931, the ONLY business that boomed was the Liquor Industry. Apparently people drank more to over their "depression" thus making the cash registers ring in the bars. Pfbt!! Does one really need a reason to drink??? Crazy Americans!!!! And this time round, looks like they don't even have money to buy liquor, a result of self-inflicted Frankenstein-ism.

Its easy to make out that, most Indians are loving this recession. The very fact that the most stupidly-lavish Bollywood movies are running to moderately-packed PVRs is evidence to this claim, not forgetting the fact that liquor always runs dry at the end of the day in every bar.

Hence I call out to all my brethren, to come live this wonderful Recession. Shop-until-you-drop never sounded more plausible. Do remember that, Recession is a limited offer God Himself sends from up above. So utilize the opportunity and lighten the load in your back-pocket and fill-up your home instead with stuff you have only dreamt about.

PS: These are the views of a guy who's staring at a half-full glass!!!

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